A Page in my Journal- 2023

Do you know the craziest thing?
He made me believe that I was asking for too much.

I feel it was both of our faults. Mine, every time I felt something, I said it. Every time I thought we shouldn’t sleep fighting, I tried to solve it. Every minute of every day, I waited to talk to him; every time I saw some new thing at the grocery store, I would think of him and how he would like it. Every minute I would just take up more work to be so busy I didn’t think of him; every minute, I wished to see him in 2–3 months, months that turned into 6, which turned into a year, every time that I was mad at him for being happy when I was sad. Every time I believe that I’m asking for too much. Every time I crushed my temporary happiness to give him moments of those. Every time I was so in love with him that I forgot to love myself. Every time I just overlooked the little things that hurt me. All of this and more, it’s my fault. I believed I was toxic to him. Every time I didn’t know how to live with myself. Every time I had expectations.

And his, that he just thought his happiness was much more worthwhile than what I was going through. Now that I think about it, a few months later, it makes sense to choose happiness over someone. Anyone.

Just that I wouldn’t have. I would have stuck around to make it all work, no matter what. That’s it.

No black or white here. Just choices.

And I made a choice to be this person who hurts but doesn’t tell anyone, who loves people so much she forgets to love herself. I’m this girl. I’m kind and loving, and I will get better. Promise. I will learn to live with myself.